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Dear Baby Princesses,

Thanks for being there for me always, even though you don't know how much love and support you provide.

This is always a hard time of year for me and Daddy, sweet girls. It's been 3 years since we lost our baby at 23 weeks, and while we think about him every day, it always stings a little more right around the anniversary. I think we have experienced the grief very normally; it felt for a time that it was the worst thing that could ever happen to us (and I very much hope it is the worst thing that ever does). But as time went on, we of course gained perspective, and continued to find unlimited joy in BP1 and eventually, in BP2. It's not something that keeps us from being happy and we continue to gain and lose perspective in a very human way; we can still be upset by a stupid issue at work which is meaningless in the big picture, and yet we are very well aware of the big picture and the fact that there are many, many worse things than what we went through. All of that to say, we are always a little more emotional in March, and so even though you likely don't comprehend the magnitude of our sadness, thank you for the extra hugs and your patience with us when we lose ours.

I want to make one thing clear to you, though. You already know that this happened (at least BP1 does, BP2 is still too young to understand) and that was very intentional - it's not a hidden event, and you deserve to know the history of your family. I also wanted you to know it before you were able to put any emotion around it, so that it's not a horrible revelation for you to process as you get older. Here's what I want to say, though: if I could go back in time and somehow change the course of events, I would not do it. I would not even consider it. Because I feel so extraordinarily fortunate to have the two of you. Not only would BP2 not exist if things had gone a different way, but I would not get to see you experience one another as sisters. There are so many truly magical moments to watch, like when BP1 slept longer than BP2 at naptime yesterday and BP2 stood at her door saying her name over and over. The two of you love each other so much and are already engaged in behaviors that I anticipate will only magnify in the future: you play together at every opportunity; BP2 follows BP1 around constantly but refuses to take instruction from her, much to BP1's dismay; the two of you sometimes get into a little bit of a shoving match. But you are best friends and can't wait to see each other after school and look out for each other as much as you can.

To catch you up, we had a great (if snowy) trip to New York at the end of February/beginning of March for Cousin M's wedding. You stayed with Grandma and Grandpa D for two nights while Daddy and I were in Brooklyn, and everyone appeared to be in one piece at the end of the weekend. You also enjoyed the circus (BP2 probably more than anyone) and had a great time with your cousins. As always we didn't get to see everyone we would have liked to, but hopefully we'll be back up a few more times this year.

Otherwise, things have pretty much been status quo. We are gearing up for a very busy April when you are going to have lots of quality time with one parent or the other while Daddy and I juggle calendars, and Daddy will attempt his first solo plane ride with the two of you. Passover and Easter are both on the calendar for this coming weekend so I suspect you will be well fed.

I love you, sweet girls, and am looking forward to doing some fun warm weather stuff with you in the near future. Hope you are having a fantastic day at school!

Love,
Mommy

P.S. BP2, that reminds me. You are moving up to Jumping Jupiters this week at school. You are practically a grownup!

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Comment by Amber, Mom365 Host on April 12, 2015 at 9:44pm

Such a sweet note!  Losing a baby is just not easy, and a piece of them will always be with you- it's a comfort in a way, but heartbreaking in a way.  I saw a little note that said "You are my favorite untold story"- and I just loved that saying.  Such sorrow to not know that little one for longer, yet so happy that you had them even for such a short time, and so blessed to have the little ones you can hold now.  Hugs to you and your family!

Comment by Katie, Mom365 Host on April 6, 2015 at 12:35pm

What a lovely post! How sweet to have two little girls, and as someone with three sisters I can say that it is so nice to have them, then and now! It does always seem that things work out in the end, right? I had a miscarriage between my two, and it was devastating. But I look at my kids now and think they couldn't be a more perfect pair, and how different would it have been? All my best to you and your adorable family!

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