I have a little girl who turns 7 months old tomorrow. I worked through my whole pregnancy and went back to work when she was 4 weeks old. But in November I lost my job and since then have stayed at home to take care of her. The plan was for my boyfriend ( her dad ) to go back to work full-time, letting me stay home and care for her and finish my college degree. But those plans have now changed. He was in a car wreck 2 weeks ago, totaling our only vehicle and now can't work. So we lost our only car and while he was in the hospital, our landlord evicted us. So we had to move in with his parents... again. Now we are having to live here, and I am going to have to get 2 jobs so we can save enough to get a car and a new home, but no one is willing to ever help me with the baby. His mom is here all the time ( she doesn't work currently ) but she never offers to watch the baby for me so I can go look for a job or just to get a break. He is able to help with her, since he has healed a lot since his injury, but he is not doing so. Anytime I mention that I need a break or some help, he just ignores me and goes on with whatever he is wanting to do ( playing video game, listening to music, etc. ). I really don't know how to approach this issue with anyone. I am completely burnt out on having to do everything myself, whether it pertains to the baby, cooking dinner, or helping his older son with his homework everyday. Anyone have any advice on how to deal with this?
Did he help out with the baby before the accident?
I'm in an identical situation as you almost, and I FIXED it~for now anyway! I live at my boyfriend's mom and grandfather's house. I am taking care of my five year old daughter, my son who is 17 months old and help with my boyfriend's grandfather, who is 85 and doesn't get around a lot, I'm a part time student at an online school, and own my own business selling crafts I make when my daughter is at school and my son is asleep. I moved about an hour and a half away from where we had our own apartment because my job ended, and I did not like the school my daughter would be attending so we packed up and came to our home town. Since then neither of us has had any luck finding a job in order to be able to move out. My boyfriend helps as much as he can, and when I started to voice my opinion to him, that I was overwhelmed, exhausted and need him to help me, or I was going to explode, have no choice but to go to a shelter and get on my feet with the help of other women in my situation, he and I fought at first. Well, we shared unkind words. My issue is that my boyfriend and I suffer from a similar medical condition that causes one to feel SUPER tired, weak and lethargic, however, we are on the same medication and it works okay for me, but not him. So, he wants to be a great next to perfect father from the time we wake the kids up until the time the baby naps, between 1 and 3pm. Then he would LITERALLY sleep the rest of the night away. I'd make dinner, feed the kids and HIS pap, bathe the kids, clean the bathroom and kitchen, help the kids brush their teeth, and get them ready for bed alone. Just as if I were a single parent living in a stranger's home. It is hard to raise children in a home that is not our own isn't it? I mean his mom refuses to completely "baby proof" the house and my son is always getting yelled at for touching 'grandma's pretties." I am always told how I parent wrong. (I'm a Christian and do my best to parent around the Bible but his mom thinks my honesty isn't good for the kids~though I'd never say a thing to harm them). I honestly have done my best to get a job since we moved here. I have plenty of great work experience and all of my references are good. But I can not find a job. Which means I can not move. If I did gain employment, I would worry if the kids would be taken care of properly. Would they get fed, bathed, tucked in and put to bed how they like to? I was sick of being alone. I was sick of answering my 5 year old when she asked why he slept all the time. I was tired of fighting when I made a rude remark about how he does nothing~yes I got bitter. I couldn't handle hearing his mom complain about the bills going up and all the hardship my children and I cause on their family. I finally lost it. I had enough. I always wanted to be the perfect parent, so of course, I didn't want to say anything because if I did that meant I couldn't handle my kids alone, so I'm a bad parent. Well, I thought so much the other day. A perfect parent doesn't exists. The closest thing to a perfect parent is one who does EVERYTHING they can for the greater good of 1st themselves then their children. If I'm not sane, or taken care of what kind of parent would I be? If I didn't get to get a shower in peace, if I didn't get to lay down and get rid of a headache, if I was going to be left alone with the kids with no help, then was the stress really worth it? NO. It was not! I left an abusive relationship with my oldest kid's father and realized then that staying in that situation was not going to help me, and my kids are able to pick up on my distress and unhappiness even when I'm hiding it. I left someone once for similar reasons, I could do it again. So, I went to Chris (my faience) and said something close to identical to: "Look, I need your help. I know how hard it is for you to get out of bed, I know you hurt. I know you don't feel your best and I don't expect you to overwhelm yourself. You and I both need to be less selfish, as parents and Christians should be. I will be more considerate when you need your rest and keep the kids occupied when you sleep. I'll also stop saying rude things about your non participation in the parenting process. What I need from you is to be able to have a partnership. When I got with you, I was entering into a partnership. Meaning we would hold each other down, we would help each other when we need it most. Right now I need it most. I hate staying up alone all day. I am lonely and longing for adult conversation from a grown up more often. I am stressed because I don't have time to eat let alone think. I need help with the kids. I need a break too. I feel like a slave here. I believe that I'm here just to take care of the kids and your grandfather. It hurts me because i love you and would do anything for you. I'm not asking you to stop resting. I'm asking for more adult attention. I need help with the kids. I want the children to remember their dad as the fun, and hilarious man I fell in love with~not the dad who does nothing but sleeps.If you want anything from me, I'll work on anything because I love you and you're worth it, I hope you'll do the same." That was exactly 5 days ago. Since he has not slept all day, he has helped me with the kids and he has been more loving to me than in weeks. I know five days is not a long time, but for him it's great progress. I learned from a wise person once that our feelings are all valid. So you have every right to be upset, overwhelmed, stressed, and hurt. Your feelings are very valid. The issue is that as adults, we don't feel that our feelings are valid because the other person is not validating them by changing how they act, or telling us what we want to hear. So, we need to let them know that we are women, and powerful. That our feelings DO mean something. But in a non agressive way. I learned this format, 1. state the problem to the person 2. tell the person what it is they are doing that bothers/hurts/angers you 3. Tell them what you need in return from them in order to feel better about the situation. And most importantly 4. end it with a hug/handshake/or on a good note. Never use words like "well you..." or "if you'd just" any words that sound blaming. Instead that's why we have number 3. "What I need from you to help me feel better, be a better parent, and a better girlfriend to you is for you to spend some more time alone with your kids because they need you and I need time alone. I need for you to answer me when I talk to you so that I know you hear me instead of ignoring me and going on with your video games or music like I am not really here. If that does not work, honey, it's time to get determined. Right now you sound stuck like me. If you have no where else to go, then you get that job, get local help to watch your kids while you're there, save a small amount from each pay check, go to your local agencies and see if they offer any help for single parents that are getting on their own feet. I'd say if you're doing all the things I was, then you are worn out, tired, exhausted. On top of that you feel like your emotions dont matter when THEY DO! If you continue to live in that environment where your emotions, wants and needs are not met or cared about, you will most likely~trust me from experience~end up with a low self esteem and feel like your not worth moving on and being happy. You are worth it. Just remember if someone is not making you happy, helping you grow, or causing you bliss, they are not worth your time. Moving on hurts. I won't lie. It was hard when I moved out on my own last time. I had to move out alone and raise a kid alone~then I realized I was already doing that but I was now out in my own house with out the stress of the man. So, I was doing what i was doing before but I had no more stress from the man. On top of that, it felt good(though it took almost 9 months) to know that I worked so hard to make it on my own and that I was providing for my child alone. I then met the man I'm with now and he has since given me a great little boy and showed me that men a.) can change and b.) men are capable of taking care of children as much, and as well as women. Best wishes!
I am also going thru a situation with 2 kids but their father works non stop & is never home. You gotta have a conversation with all thats in the house. Does his mom not like u? Thats the only reason I would say she wouldnt help you but I would sit everyone down & let them know that u are stressed about the situation & that he doesnt need to be playing video games non stop as that is for when the kids are asleep! You HAVE to set some boundaries. It will be hard to do this but totally worth it. After you have this "sit down" if nothing changes, I would pack up my stuff & leave. You can get more help being single. U can get help with daycare costs so that u can work or schooling & if your working, you can also get help with a car. Use resourses to better your life, if you have to. Im lucky enough that I dont have to but if he wouldnt have started helping, I made sure I had a back up plan. ALWAYS HAVE A BACK UP PLAN! Do u have anywhere else to go to??? It sounds like he is very young or just immature. He needs to grow up & help YOU! I kno my husband stepped up a little more since I laid down the law. He helped u make em, he can help take care of em. Let him read what other ppl are saying on here! Maybe that will give him some insight on how shit should be! Good luck!