Mom365 Community
How to nicely tell a family member to back off!
What's an easy way to say back off without me seeming too mean about it
Tags: family, undermining
Replies to This Discussion
-
Permalink Reply by brittany_vada on -
My daughter is only 3 weeks old but I kinda sorta have the same issue.. I live with my boyfriend and his mother. She'll watch Mia for me while I run errands and what not. And when I get back from what I'm doing she won't leave the room. It seems like she doesn't trust me with my own daughter. I always tell her "thanks for watching her. You can go now" (but in a nice way) and she still doesn't leave. She also rearranges everything in the baby's room to how she wants it set up. Which is very irritating because I have the room set up the way I want.. I just can't stand it! I don't know what to say to her though.. any advice?
-
Permalink Reply by krystal hager on -
I've been there with my grandmother too. Like she knows what's best with my son or tries to tell me how to do things. It's very annoying when someone does that, isn't it?! She even told me back in December that I should of used protection so that I wouldn't have got pregnant again ! I had to tell her if that's how you feel then stay out of my kids life's.
I don't think it's ever easy telling someone you have to see all the time to back off and let us do things our way. My son is almost 14 months and I know I've done a very good job. I guess we just have to find a nice way of saying " thank you for your help but I got this". My problem is with being 36 weeks pregnant, I don't have the patience to be annoyed.
Just today I poured myself something to drink and instead of asking if it was mine.. She poured it right out, and she did that about 3 times in just a few hours, all because she wanted to keep the dining room table clean... Umm hello it's one cup. And if it's not in there it will be spilled on the floor from my son.
Ugh what to do, what to do!
-
Permalink Reply by Kimmiet on -
Its you grandmother now they are old and set in their ways and they are supposed to spoil their grands. Your pregnant so everything gets on your nerves now...remember when the new baby gets her you will need some more help so just let her watch him and if she asked about you being comfortable tell her you are!
-
Permalink Reply by krystal hager on
-
I know and I love her to death and I admit I do get annoyed more easily with being pregnant but it's not just me that's is bothered by some of the stuff she says. My dad gets to the point to where he's had it also. I understand she wants to spoil him and that is completely fine but when she does stuff that goes against what I want then I don't like that. She treats my boyfriends daughter who is 4 very rude.. Yells at her when she's gone nothing wrong! And she has small toys that we keep out of reach from my son so he don't try to eat them and my grandmother puts them on the floor! Along with pictures of my son that I been working on getting into an album.
Im sure she means well but I need her to respect me
-
Permalink Reply by michelle on
-
i have the same problem only not as bad sometimes you have to drop the polite and add the 1sarcasim 2 make them use there brains. when my mom does that with my son i reminder her when it comes to matthew my word superseds hers or if that was me or my sister that she wouldnt have been ok with that either and because its her grandson shes being too soft dont be afriad to call her out. just remember to do it with respect and let her keep her dignity. next time shes says dont you look comfy just smile and say yes very.
-
Permalink Reply by sadie on
-
Whatever you do, you are going to have to get it done soon. My grandmother is my biggest means of help, but she did the same thing with my kids, at 2 and 3, I would have them pick up their toys or tell them they had to eat in the kitchen, and no sooner than I would turn my back, she was telling them they did not have to pick up and they could eat in the bedrooms while watching tv. Now they are 13 and 11 (soon to be 12) and I constantly have to stand over them to get them to pick up their things, am constantly cleaning food up from the bedrooms and floors, and well, she is having to do the same when they go to her house. I have worked very hard to keep the 2 younger childrenfrom following in that same pattern, but it is not easy. Just tell her that it is not fair to you to be put in that situation. We all know that the grandparents and great grandparents want to spoil our children, but they do not have to undermine our decisions. It is more helpful if they side with us rather than against us.
-
Permalink Reply by StormGazer on -
The longer you let it go, the more it will build up and the more likely you will be to go off and say things you don't mean. The best time is to have it be just you and her so that she doesn't feel like she's being put in the spotlight or being embarrassed in front of anyone else.
You can simply say that you feel like she is not respecting your right to be a mother by telling your son to do something you just told him not to. Remind her that you really appreciate all her help but you need her help in having your son respect your authority as his mother. That respect can't be obtained if she is going behind and basically telling your son that "mommy is wrong" or "mommy is the badguy". The trick is to allow her to talk and allow yourself to talk and try to come to agreements on how things should be done.
One trick with the junk food is to hide it out of it's normal spot. Or don't buy any for a couple weeks. She can't give it to him if it's not in your house.
She won't change over night so even with the hormones you'll have to try to be patient with her. But, she is not the parent of your children so she needs to follow your rules concerning your children. It's showing YOU respect for her to be willing to let you make the final decisions and she needs to back you up and support you with each one.
-
Permalink Reply by krystal hager on
-
I've been nicely telling her when she does something that I don't want that I'd rather my son not do that and all. And sometimes it works but she still pulls the " if mommy wasn't here I'd let you"
I purposly don't buy junk food to keep in the house only cause in the beginning that was ALL she would feed my son. And that put my son in alittle phase where he would not eat actual food. So now that I finally broke that and he's eating good again, I keep the junk out of the house and offer him treats out. But my grandmother will buy him junk n feed it to him whenever she is over. But now that it's not as bad, I'm ok with her spoiling him with treats EVERY now and then. But I still don't allow it until after lunch or after dinner.
The thing that bothers me the most is when she yells at my boyfriends daughter for no reason or blames stuff on her that's not her fault. Just today I had the kids quiet all day so she could rest ( she comes over during the day on weekdays just to sleep) so I made sure to make it peaceful for her. Around 5 today my brother stopped by with my dad before they went out and they love playing with my son and pretty much stepdaughter so Yess the kids got alittle hyper from that. But I figured since it was quiet all day then its ok. I can't expect the kids to sit around all day, their kids. So she came up and said " ugh I was trying to lay down but I can't even do that, it was nice and quiet til Kayla got here". Of course I'm going to respond to that because it wasn't her fault but no matter how nice I said it, she still blamed her for all the noise but most of it was my son. But in her eyes my son doesn't do anything wrong n it's all Kayla( my boyfriends daughter)
I completely understand that her grandson can't do wrong.. Shes a great grandmother and spoils him but it's just not fair to blame Kayla for everything. And it not like Kayla is new to the family, she's been around since she was one and she will be 5 this June. I just don't know how else to nicely say stuff without her still making comments and all. No matter how nice I say it she will literally get in my face and basically tell me she can do what she wants and I just have to sit back and bite my tongue.she doesn't realize she hurts my feelings when I try to be nice and she's still mean.
-
Permalink Reply by michelle on
-
ok its time to drop the nice still let her have her dignity but its ur house so assert ur authority and let her know that it will not be tolerated my mother in law says the same thing but her line is this "oh no not my matthew" but she has never stopped me from being the parenet my son needs and bible says i must be. yes she is your elder but when she crosses that line something needs to be done. if possible see if you can get someone else to babysit for a few days even if you have to pay a sitter. that may be all it takes for her to figure out that hey she can get somebody elsa to watch the kids so lets not do this. sounds like you need some tough love and good for u standing up for your boyfriends daughter alot of times thoses children get the short end of the stick stand your ground and be a mommy
-
Permalink Reply by NicoleSpag on -
It's hard, you can't really say much to her without her feeling attacked. You need a '3rd party' of sort to help her see things from your side. I actually used a book to do this and thankfully both my MIL and Mom were receptive and appreciative. Just the first chapter alone has great information for them. It's called The Grandparents Handbook. http://www.amazon.com/Grandparents-Handbook-Elizabeth-Laban/dp/B005...
Hope it helps!
-
Permalink Reply by kaylacombs32 on
-
im having the same problem with my in laws my husband and i are still living at there home until our bathroom is done being remodeled and ive done told them nicely many of times i dont need help or to be told what to do and how to do it and how to care for my child but i found there is no nice way to say it because they never stopped they just kept pushing at it so i had to tell them off a few times but they seem to kinda back off now but im still trying to get them to understand that im a good person i just have my limits
... but every person is different so i hope all gets better
-
Permalink Reply by ZephyrVI on
-
Ok, I was reading this and it reminds me of some stuff I went through not so long ago, in the end you have to ask yourself, am I more worried about offending my (insert who ever the issue is with) or the emotional well being of the children you are caring for? there is also the total lack of respect for you as a parent. What is more important? You and your young family or an old woman who wants to be in control? I know that sounds a little harsh, but that is the bottom line.
It will seriously hurt your stepdaughter for the rest of her life to be the constant scapegoat for everything, even if it is only one person, my own siblings and I are still working through the pain caused by our late father, my oldest sister especially...she was his constant scapegoat no matter if she was to blame or not.
I hope this is in some way helpful, these situations are never easy.
© 2012 Created by Mom365.
