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I am having some issues and have been really stressed out lately. When my daughter was a week old my husband and I got into a huge fight. I ended up finding out a couple days later after our fight he had went online and began talking to other women about sex. I confronted him about this and he did admit it. I left for a week and made him take a lie detector test to make sure there was not anything else I was missing. Since then we have been through counseling and have moved forward, however, my family has not. When this happened the only place had to go was a family members. I knew that they were angry with what he did and that is understandable, but now i am unable to take my neices, nephews anywhere if my husband is with me. They feel that because my husband is with me something will happen to them. I love my neices and nephews as my own and it breaks my heart not being able to take them to fun places with my daughter. I really dont know what to do. I want to be able to go places with my daughter and take my neices and nephews with me, but they say as long as my husband is their i cant. If we are going to go somewhere like the aquarium or something like that chances are my husband is going to go. I really have no idea what I need to do because I hate it being like this. I honestly feel that what happens between my husband and I should not effect my relationship with my neices and nephews or my daughters relationship with her cousins. Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by EastTexasMommy on -
Sounds like you need to have a discussion alone with your family. If that doesn't work I'd have your husband there but NOT say anything. It took a long time for my family to accept my husband. They thougt he kept me hidden as his own possession or something stupid like that. I tried talking to them but mostly it took time. About a year ago my sister thougt my husband was being abusive. I tried to tell her he wasn't and she started keeping my nice and nephew away. The rest of my family have invited everyone over for stuff and gradually she is accepting him.
So you might need to work with one family member first and they can invite your family and your sibling over at the same time. There really is no quick fix. I have cried missing my nice and nephew but give it time. Your sibling is family forever. Remind them of that. It may even take your hubby talking to them one on one to have him say sorry and him tell them how bad you feel. Good Luck
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Permalink Reply by jburgess8884 on -
I have tried to talk to them about the situation, but my family and my husband are very stubborn they both have pretty bad tempers when they start getting angry. My family tells me if they see my husband they will fight with him and I dont want this. I love my husband and my family both, but I feel like I am being pulled in two different directions and my daughter and I are caught in the middle.
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Permalink Reply by EastTexasMommy on
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My hubby is the same and so are my sisters. I finally told them that they could make a choice me or nothing. That I was married to him and no matter what was said or done I support him 100% and he is my choice. They didn't marry him but if they cared about me that they would accept my decision. You migt try staying away from them. Only time will tell. But I can tell he is worth it. Stick to your guns. 'Your' family is worth it.
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Permalink Reply by Shannon, Star Mom on
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That is the tough part about going to family about personal problems in your relationship. Even though you can forgive, you have to remember your family is now concerned about you and although your husband has done what he had to do to regain trust and forgiveness from you, he has not done so w/ your family. He has to understand that because of what HE did, you felt nowhere else to turn but to your family, and if he wants to mend things he very well may have to swallow his pride and approach your family face to face to explain he is a changed man and they can trust he won't do you wrong anymore. My fiance and I have been together for 8 years, it has been a bumpy road (at times) and my family was not too fond of him either. I was 19 and he was 31 when we first started dating... and I got pregnant w/ in 3 months. He swallowed his pride and faced my family to explain the man he would be and they can trust him to take care of me and our baby. They had a newfound respect for him after that. Your husband is just gonna have to man up and come to the realization that being married to you means dealing w/ your family as well, and he now must fix ALL the issues that came about because of his poor choices.
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Permalink Reply by jburgess8884 on
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There is only two people in the family that know what he did and they are the ones that will not be around him. They wont even give him the time of day to appologize let alone do anything else. I have told them I would rather the rest of my family not know anything at all so they have not said anything at all. It hasnt been a problem at all until now. I asked to take my daughters cousins with us to the aquarium and they told me no because of him being their. They say that they know I wont let anything happen to them but they dont trust that my husband wont. It doesnt make sense to me considering I would be there so I just dont understand what the issue is.
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Well, I'd say give them their space and give it time. When they are ready to come around, they will. If they choose to keep their kids away, then it's their choice and they will have to live w/ that decision. My sister was with a man who cheated on her... she told our parents all about it (yet she chose to stay with him) and because of that he was not allowed to step toe in our home. Eventually they got married and had 2 kids... my parents now accept him for who he is and have since forgiven the mistakes he made, I think they realized for their daughters sake and for the grandchildrens sake they had to just move on and focus on the future, not the past.
In the future, is there a family member of his you can turn to should any type of situation like this happen again. It's a lot easier for his own family to forgive his mistaks than it would be for yours to. Whenever I have an issue, I go to my sister in law... sometimes she even helps us sort it out. If I went to my Mom, or anybody else in our family for that matter, they'd probably hold a grudge for the rest of their life b/c in their eyes I deserve a perfect prince charming lol. Just remember your family does ultimately want what they believe is best for you, and it very well may take them time to get over it and realize that you really feel this is what is best for you at this time.
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Permalink Reply by ksc686 on
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I feel your pain on this. When my son was 5 months old my fiance started cheating on me. I didn't find out till two months into it that he was. I only told my Mom but he told his brother, mother and grandmother about it. His family is just pretending as if it never happened and my Mom constantly is putting him down now (to me, not to him. He doesn't know). It is very awkward. I couldn't bring myself to tell the rest of my family because I don't want them to hate him and I don't want to hear their opinions about my life choices. I came to the decision to stay with him. He had no say in it whatsoever. My family comes before my self interests. Yes, what he did was wrong and disgusting. But what would be worse than that is if my son grew up without a father in a broken home. I know from personal experience. When you have a kid, the first year is the hardest. It drove us to fight constantly because of the stress and pressure, lack of sleep, etc. We got to the point I felt like I didn't love him anymore, and I think he could feel it, hence the cheating.
If you and your husband have made the decision to keep your family intact, no matter what the reason or circumstance, your family should respect your decision. Easier said than done I suppose. Have you offered them to go to group counseling with you and your husband? If they can't even do that, or try anything, but yet your husband has and is making an effort, then take some time away from them and eventually they may feel that they miss you and maybe they over reacted and are willing to give it a chance?
I hope my advice doesn't sound harsh but you have your own family you need to think about as well. Especially with a newborn, just make her your first priority and hopefully everything falls into place. Stressing out over the family "war" won't do you any good and you don't want to bring negative energy around a baby. Stay positive!
Good luck!
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Permalink Reply by Mason's Mama on
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This is a good example of why family members should never be told about any problems that are going on with you and your husband. Just because you get over the fight doesn't mean they will. Explain to them that he is your husband and the father of your child. You and your husband are one, if they don't want anything to do with him than they don't have anything to do with you. Its disrespectful for them to put you in the position to choose, and its disrespectful to your husband to consider their feelings. I put everything I have into my marriage and the family I have in my home. Those who live outside of it should never be given the power to cause problems within it. I had a few problems with my family members not being happy with somethings my husband had done. After telling them what I said above and giving them time they decided to get over their own issues. Next time if you have an issue don't involve them by telling them, and you will all be better off.
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Permalink Reply by Mommyof4 on -
Ditto. Well said.
Your husband is who you chose to spend the rest of your life with and who you promised "for better or for worse." He is also the father of your child. He should come before anyone else no matter what.
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Permalink Reply by mama0313 on
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this is why if i'm going to complain about my hubby i do it to gil or mil bc they will always love him, that will never change. and if hubby is clearly in the wrong they almost never admit it but still it helps to get it out to someone and they give advise or positive feedback that can help he work things out with him. when he's been just aweful, which isn't often, they will yell at him for me and that helps him realize that he really really screwed up. most of the time we talk about this on our own and don't get anyone involved though. or talk about him here :) i've went to my family before and all it usually does is makes things akward bc i've done forgave him later but they are still upset. whatever he did to make things right by you then he needs to show your family the same kind of proof and don't expect that he'll be welcomed right back as soon as ykou would to him. because you have a different and close loving relationship with him. they don't so it's going to take some time for things to smooth over.
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Permalink Reply by shananigans9 on -
For future purposes, getting your family involved in what is going on between you and your husband is probably not the best idea. To be honest, I dont understand why your family is still so emotionally involved in this incident. As long as you, your child, or your nieces and nephews are not being physically or emotionally harmed, your family should move on. I dont know that there is anymore that you and your husband can or should do to convince your family. As long as you are not being harmed, your commitment is to your husband. You two are a team. Hopefully in time your family will move on and realize that they are not just holding a grudge against your husband, but they are depriving your daughter and your nieces and nephews. Either way, all you can do is focus on being a good wife and mother.
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