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Any advice? I'm lost on what to do.

I'm gonna try to keep this as short as possible... My daughter's father has a terrible drug problem which caused some terrible things to happen after I got home from the hospital. Long story short: He left for 3 days at a time, came home messed up, leave again... This pattern created itself. He wasn't doing anything with our daughter and my dad was fed up with seeing me cry. To make a long story even shorter: Dad and Daughter's father got into a fight, I left my daughter's father after he tried shooting up our house, said he didn't want anything to do with me or our baby and said she'd grow up to be a whore. A few months later I reconnected with an old high school flame and we hit it off. He knew about my baby and never had a problem with it. He's absolutely wonderful with my daughter. She loves him more than anyone else in the world besides me, of course. Haha. He is the only person I can leave her with and her not be concerned about where I am. She never fusses with him, all she does is smile and love on him. He absolutely adores her. They both light up when they see each other. This all sounds wonderful right? Well, it is for the most part. But, even though he loves her very much, he is scared. Which is to be expected. We've spoken about marriage and all that fun couple stuff, but he's a little afraid of the idea of raising someone elses child. I was just curious if anyone else is in a similar situation where you have another man in your life instead of your child's father and he's having trouble adjusting to the child... Not in a bad way or anything. How do you help your partner let go of some of their fears about being involved with the child? How do you make them more comfortable with the idea of possibly becoming this child's step-parent? Any advice is much appreciated.

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Permalink Reply by Ally on May 16, 2012 at 1:26pm

That is really sweet. Especially what your daughter said. Justin has told me countless times that my daughter and I are his world and he wouldn't trade either of us for anything. He brags about her as if she were his own and I can tell that he honestly has a sincere love for her. I don't have any doubts that this will work out wonderfully. Part of me thinks she's going to end up saying his name before she says "Dad". Justin has been more a father to her than her own, so I also think she may end up calling him some form of dad like my nephew did with my sister's now ex boyfriend. We always told him that he wasn't his dad and we never really defined what the word "Dad" meant to my nephew, but when he learned how to talk his first words were "Ally" (I raised him for the first 2 years of his life) and "Da Da" which is what he called my sister's boyfriend. So, I'm kind of worried and excited at the same time that my daughter may do the same thing with my boyfriend. Call him Dada or something like that. I'm worried, because I don't want him to feel awkward, I don't think he would, but still...and I don't want issues with her real father when he hears her call my boyfriend that (if she does)

Permalink Reply by bleigh1102 on May 16, 2012 at 8:22pm

i haven't been in your situation. but with all things, i believe people have to have time to make life altering decisions. Some longer than others. It doesn't mean anythings wrong, maybe he's just cautious. It seems in the meantime he's still showing u and ur child the love and support y'all need for now. However, as a mother i can understand your concerns. I hope everything works out the way its suppose to... Maybe you should ask more questions and find out what exactly are his concerns. Like, is he afraid to love this child bc one day if y'all separate, then he mite not be able to have visitation.? If so, talk to social services to see about adopting. Let him come with you. That might be the step he's needs in order to move forward. But make sure that's what u want as well. After all u will be giving someone "half" ur child. Orrrr, maybe he's scared of having that responsibility and the situation for him is complete opposite. Maybe he's afraid to take that full responsibility. Then that will just mean time and patience. either way, i think you should find out what he is thinking.. Without pushing, of course...

Permalink Reply by Ally on May 16, 2012 at 10:35pm

Thank you. That is all really helpful advice. I don't mind the idea of adoption at all, but it's a little too soon for me to bring that up, in my opinion. I don't think adoption is something that needs to be brought up until after marriage, but like I said, that's just my opinion. For other people and situations, it could be appropriate and the proper thing to do. When the time is right, we'll talk about it. :)

Permalink Reply by lvbrs on August 4, 2012 at 10:41am

I'm kinda in the same situation except my daughters dad has a drug problem hes never bought her anything since she's been born at all. The judge didn't care about any of it she gave us joint custody and she didn't care that she comes back from his house every other weekend with a bad rash. I met someone who has kids of his own and loves my daughter so much loves to play with her and wants to be with us but I'm the one that's not sure about it. I wish you the best of luck and if you need someone to talk to you can just let me know

Permalink Reply by Ally on August 13, 2012 at 10:49am

I'm not going to lie, it is kind of scary to let someone get that close to you and your child. But, it could be a wonderful thing. Definitely think about it before jumping into anything with that someone. It's a big decision.

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