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Am I over reacting?
So friday my mother in law called him and told him that she got some clothes for our daughter and that they were from a thrift store. We were amazed because she never goes to them and I don't think she likes that we do. My husband said that we had to take the clothes even though we really didn't need them because she was so excited about having gone to a thrift store. We met up with her today and as soon as she pulled all the clothes out we could tell that she got them all brand new at Kohls. I asked her where she got them at and she told us a thrift store no where near where she lives.
Once we left my husband and I talked about it because we both knew that she was lying. He says we can't say anything and that it is stupid that I even care. The thing that really bothers me is not as much that she bought the clothes that we didn't need but that she lied to us about where they came from. I just really hate being lied to.
My husband always tries to avoid causing problems with his mother and in his attempts to avoid confrontation it always feels like he is taking her side. For example at easter she bought our daughter the exact Tangled doll and dress that we had gotten her special for Christmas but he would not let me say anything because he did not want to upset her.
I know all of this sounds really stupid but I just really needed to vent. I really hate being lied to and I'm not sure why she is allowed to get away with it.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by LLD on -
What an odd thing to lie about. Hang on, does she think Kohl's is a thrift store?
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Permalink Reply by D Rock on -
Ah, the dutiful son! I am also married to one of those. I got no advice just sympathy. ;)
Um LLD...HILARIOUS!
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Permalink Reply by Shannon, Star Mom on
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In a situation like this, you have to consider what her intent is. It's not to lie to you, it's not to hurt you or your daughter... it's to do something nice for your daughter that she feels happy to do as the grandmother. If the lying becomes a habit, you could always say "ya know, those clothes you got from 'Kohls' (or wherever) were nice, but next time just know it's okay to tell us where they really came from". Grandparents spoil their grandchildren, that's just what they love to do. Now if it gets out of hand- like showing up w/ a flat screen tv... which my mom did for our 3 year old (at the time) for xmas, then you will just have to confront her and put your foot down. Until then, purchasing new clothes here and there seems very minimal when you look at the big picture.
I do completely understand the lying aspect bothering you, so if it happens again I would say something, but just one little white lie can't harm anyone ;)
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Permalink Reply by Jen, Mom365 Host on -
I agree with Shannon :)
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Permalink Reply by Amy on -
I know that she is just being nice in this situation but she has a way of being completely overbearing and I just get so tired of it. We lived next door to them for 2 years and now we live 25 minutes away and she hates it. Every time we talk to her she complains about all of the things she thinks we are doing wrong and about how she never sees us enough even though we make a point to get together with his parents at least once a week which seems like plenty to me.
She just does a lot of things that really bother me and when my daughter was a baby and we were around her it was always like she was the parent and knew everything and we were just there. One of the things that she pulled right before we were moving was I had my mom come over to watch my daughter because I had to work and for some reason I didn't have daycare for that particular day. I knew that she had to work but my mom had the day off so I called my mom. My daughter was like 2 at the time and this was actually the first time my mom had babysat because we usually either had daycare or my in laws or my cousins watch her. So that day my mother in law saw that my moms car was there and mine was. That night she called my husband and screamed and yelled at him about why she didnt get called to babysit. He tried to explain it to her but she was still very mad so she called me crying about it telling me how much I had hurt her feelings. I tried to get her to understand that my daughter has another grandma who is perfectly capable of watching her sometimes but she did not want to see it it that way.
This was quite a few months ago but since that we have decided to use either day care or my cousins for babysitting. This was one situation where my husband was acually on my side about things. My mother in law is not happy about it and she gets very jealous anytime we see my family so we don't even tell her when we do anymore. It just always seems like she is trying to start things and cause problems so I just get so tired of it all.
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Permalink Reply by Rachel Marie Horan on
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I think the important thing to remember is that you cannot change other people. Try to respond and not react. When she does something you don't like decide how you will respond to her actions and not just react emotionally. Which is hard as a new mom I totally know. For the first two issues you brought up try and see them positively. She wanted to buy clothes and not insult you knowing that you feel you must buy at thrift stores. Maybe you do not need clothes but you know kids stain their clothes all the time so maybe they will come in handy or if they still have the tags trade them in for something you do need like diapers. If she buys the same gift you did at Christmas Score! You get to pick out both gifts for your daughter. Thank goodness it is not something you don't want her to have. Exchange the second doll for something else you would want her to play with and grandma will never know you had to do an exchange. For the other issues it sounds like you are handling it as well as you can. If she is emotional about your parenting decisions have a united front with your husband in explaining but do not react to her emotional outbursts. She has to deal with how she feels about your parenting. She may or may not come to realize that screaming and crying does not get you much. You just make the best decions for your child.
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Permalink Reply by Jess14 on -
I have admit...its pretty bizarre what she did... Its definitely not what my MIL would do...I would have confronted her despite my husbands feelings and tell her to be straight next time... and tell her you hate being lied to... Itll really help to solidify the bond between you two. My MIL and I never got along well in the beginning but 1 year later...we both were tired of being so distant and clashing....we sat down and talked are issues threw EVERY TIME we have a conflict...and now we go and shop together.... ITS AMAZING!!! So i say forget your husband and do what you think is right!!!
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Permalink Reply by Heather Rice on -
Vent away! Mother in laws is a topic I think we all can share in venting about hehe. Good luck with all of that. I'd just take the clothes and be happy, but being lied to is awful... sigh.
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Permalink Reply by Niako on -
I would be upset to be lied to about this sort of thing also. But think about it this way. The woman is trying really hard for you to like and accept her. She wanted to get her grandchild something new, but she knows of your preference for second hand items. Perhaps she likes to avoid confrontation just as much as your husband, which is why she lied. If I were you, I would let her know that you appreciate any gift, new or used. My mom and MIL likes to buy clothing also. If they get something for my daughter that she doesn't need, I will say something like "That outfit you got her is too cute. But we have a lot of (insert age here) clothes. We don't have much (whatever we happen to need.. the next size up or next season's clothes)" That way, they get to feel like they're spoiling my child and it saves me money.
As for the Tangled doll and dress.. you can always re-gift the brand new one to someone else. If it were your parents who got her the gifts, would you say "Take it back. We already have it." ?
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Permalink Reply by Amy on
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Thanks everyone for your advice. I guess the thing about the clothes is that when I say my daughter already has too many clothes I really mean it. I only do her laundry every 3 or 4 weeks and she still doesn't wear everything that she has. That is why my husband and I had tried to stress to everyone, my inlaws, my parents, and cousins that she did not need any more clothes for the summer. My mother in law had already bought her some summer stuff in April so that is why I really don't like that she bought more especially since she lied about where it all came from. I can't tell her to return them since it came from a "thrift store". I would tell her to get something in the next season but I'm not sure what size my daughter is going to be and I don't want a bunch of clothes that are the wrong size.
The tangled bothered me because I was pretty sure she knew we already had the dress because she had seen my daughter wearing it at our house. We were not able to exchange it for anything because there was no packaging and my husband would not tell her that we already have it. Re gifting it is a good idea because right now it is sitting in the closet. If it was my parents I definitely would have told them it was something that we already had. They usually ask me what my daughter would need/want before buying something.
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It sounds like it's just certain things here and there that really just get under your skin (I can totally relate, it's just something that comes w/ the MIL subject). I know it can be hard to bite your tongue at times... but what I'd suggest is consider in the long term how long you will be upset about the things she does that bother you. If it's something that you think will harbor negative feelings and will keep you upset for longer than a day or 2, than it's probably worth hashing out (whether you approach her yourself about it, or your husband sorts it out w/ her). If it's something that will probably roll off your back w/ in the day or 2, than it's probably not even worth your energy to sort out. You certainly don't want resentment to continue to build b/t you two... so just pick your battles wisely and determine if they are worth hashing out or not before confronting her about it.
Also, if you really have no need for the items she is buying, you can always donate the toys/clothes to a homeless shelter w/ your daughter and turn something that seems so negative, at the time, into something very positive (it can be a great learning experience for the kids, my daughter loves to give away her stuff she does not use to those who can use it)! Just seeing the look on some of these kids faces when you come in w/ a bag full of toys is just heart-warming... you'll walk out w/ a huge smile on your face and forget all about the MIL drama, trust me!
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